Ah, Coachella. The meeting grounds for fashionistas, music enthusiasts and social media personas starving for some sweat laden spotlight. Add 100 degree weather, a campground and about 1,000 flower crowns and you’ve got one of the biggest festivals of the year. Now how does one navigate the opposite sex in this petri dish of 20 to 30-somethings? We’re here to tell you who to look out for – and probably avoid.
The (Anti) Social Dude
Instead of actually meeting anyone, he spends the entire day sharing his location updates to all of his digital friends. After he posted his #OOTD and one and only decent drink of the day, he’s kind of over it until the next outfit change.
The Solo Dancer
The guy is hanging solo in a 20 sq. ft. clearing in the grass and he’s dancing like nobody’s watching. Because no one is.
The Sunburned & Shirtless Dude
He also has a back tattoo of the tribal, band or religious variety. Word to the wise: Beware of the back sweat.
The Non-Native American Dude in a Native American Headdress
He’s not only stupid-looking, but culturally insensitive. It’s likely he has about 9k Instagram followers, is a lithe model type, and has a great smile. Too bad he’s literally stupid.
That One Guy From Berlin
Not only does he barely speak English two inches away from your face…he also offers you a handful of assorted pills, two inches away from your face. You tell him “No thank you,” he laughs maniacally and does the worm in the mud pit. He’s flying solo and is about 10 years older than you.
This dude is fit, has great hair and clothes that don’t look like he ironically rolled under a VW van before walking into the festival. The thing is, you try to plant your friend situation closer to his and when you get up close…he looks and smells like a dumpster.
Shirtless, beer-drinking bros. The ones who invite themselves into your circle of dancing friends. The ones who also get angry if you don’t celebrate their ability to drink themselves under the table. Yep, they’ll be there.
He’s 1/2 Calvin Klein model and 1/2 beard. Add a flannel and pair of Ray Ban sunglasses, stir, and hope he doesn’t start taking selfies mid convo.
The ‘I already saw this’ Dude
He’s seen the band you’re there to see about 6 times, and the last time he saw them they ‘weren’t even that good.’ Also see: “Their new album sucks,” “(band name here) is so OVER” or “They were way better at Coachella 5 years ago.”
You approach this guy, because he’s one of the more ‘normal’ looking dudes at this purgatorial event that you dressed wayyyy too cute for. You think he’s the PERFECT dude to flirt with all day. But it turns out he’s a single dad waiting for his daughter to come back from the porta-potty.
Have you met any of these characters at Coachella? Share your fest stories in a comment below!